(In honor of those that we have lost to suicide- Please read and know you are NEVER EVER ALONE.)
Ever have one of those days you feel all alone? A day that you feel like nobody can relate to you and that nobody could possibly be going thru what you’ve gone thru? Trust me, you are wrong. You are NOT alone. You are NEVER alone.
We all go thru varied things in our lives. Some more than others. Life isn’t fair but you can continue to live and flourish regardless of your life experiences. It took me 2 years of therapy to truly see this could be true. Not all days are easy but I remember that I am not alone. (Thank you to those who shared their stories along the way so that I really knew deep in my heart that I wasn’t alone.)
Today I am here to remind you that you are NOT alone. Suicidal thoughts? (If you feel this bad please tell someone. Reaching out can be scary but it can also save your life.) Feeling like a crappy Mom today? Feeling like a crappy friend or family member? Feeling less than useful? Feeling like all you do is take up space? You’re not good enough? All of this is negative self talk and we have to remember we are NOT alone.
Having survived childhood sexual abuse (by a neighbor kid), an undiagnosed eating disorder as a young teen, hospitalization (think “Girl Interrupted”), at 18 meeting the first abusive boyfriend, age 21 meeting the 2nd abusive boyfriend who almost extinguished my life, and then finally standing up at age 26 and realizing that I was worth more. I can assure you- you are not alone.
I was fortunate enough to have had enough glimmers of hope and light and shining forces in my life to figure out I could get out of those situations and that I could continue to live and flourish regardless. I dated like a banshee in 1998/1999 so I could figure out what was wrong with me and why was I so bad at picking boyfriends? I’d only had 2 partners and both were abusive jerks. I was smart- got all A’s in school and was so “dumb” when it came to relationships. I had such bad self esteem that it sorta felt good to be put down. Yeah I know sick right?
Anyway- so in May 1999 I met my husband- he would be my 45th blind date since Sept 1998. No joke- I told you I dated like a banshee! I had put an ad out on Yahoo personals (when it was still free) and I had altered it throughout the year. I had made my final adjustment on May 5th and shortly thereafter began corresponding with my now husband. He was different, thoughtful, caring and more. We met on June 5, 1999 and he showed me what true love was.
Little did he know it would take me to find true love to feel safe enough to heal from all of the past. The poor guy- I put him thru the wringer. I needed help. Therapy to recover from the PTSD I had. If someone popped a balloon or a loud noise near my head I’d dive for cover (sounds an awful lot like someone hitting your face). The abusive relationships scarred me, the abuse as a child prepped me for those relationships. This man who could have easily walked away from this woman with baggage (hell I had 2 steamer trunks) instead he stuck by me. It soon became apparent we were in it for the long haul- this new relationship. And with so much trust in me he agreed to let me quit my job and support me while I went thru intensive therapy and EMDR therapy to heal the wounds of old. As a future wife and mother he wanted to support me so that I could break the cycles that I had ingrained in my body, in my mind, in my actions and behaviors. I had to cut this cancer out of my life. I had to heal.
It wasn’t easy and trust me there were times that he did consider walking away- it was that hard. But thankfully he stuck by me and I began to trust in him realizing that he wasn’t like those other guys. He wasn’t a bad person. He was the best thing that ever happened to me. He trusted me, he loved me and he knew I could survive this and thrive despite my past.
I stand before you (or rather sit and type) and assure you that you are not alone. No matter your trials and tribulations. You can survive it. It takes work to heal and that sorta sucks. We didn’t cause this pain but yet we have to do the hard work to heal from it. But I can tell you it is so worth it. I now have 3 beautiful kids, the same amazing husband who chose to marry me (ME!!!) and he is just as supportive now as he was before because as you PTSD sufferers know you never truly heal from it. I am lucky because its not bad anymore but I have my moments.
I still have bad days, and days when I’m not sure what my purpose is. It’s kinda ironic that this presidential election has made me want to speak out more. I have blogged about this before, about my past but I was always nervous about it and not fully into it. I hid from the posts. But today I’m compelled to reach out. I want you to know you are not alone. Sexual assault, abuses of power, domestic abuse are still prevalent today and you are not alone.
There is a way out and there is hope. I am still in the process of figuring out what I want to be when I grow up but one thing I want to make sure I do before my ticket is punched is to let people know they are not alone. I want to provide support and show that you can overcome adversity and be a better person because of it.
It’s not easy and I won’t sugar coat it for you but it is possible.